I’m in the Napa Valley tonight. If you would have asked me on Friday, “Me Ra, where will you be sleeping this coming Tuesday night?” I probably would have said “home!” Napa Valley?…it was nowhere on my radar! But life has this funny way of putting you in unexpected places at unexpected moments. So here I am, at this exact place.

This home sits on 160 acres at the top of a hill overlooking the valley. The woman who owns it, Loma, has been kind enough to let me crash here for the night. We’ll see where I end up sleeping Wednesday night. I’ll be back home Thursday night and in San Diego by Friday night to meet some of you for the first time! PHEW!

So instead of me just telling you what I’m up to, any guesses?

Here are a few hints…

1. I’m not in a fight with Brian. He’s watching the kids while I’m out here for the next couple of days.

2. I was in Nevada yesterday, Napa Valley tonight and who knows where tomorrow night.

3. I’ve spent some time getting to know 10 beautiful women.

4. My dress has been my Thailand fisherman pants and flip flops.

5. And I got spooked last night and ended up leaving where I was going to stay and stayed in a hotel.

That’s all the clues you’re getting. Your turn to guess, “What the heck is Me Ra up to now?!”

p.s. Thanks for the heads up about our Refuse site being down. Brian is working on what happened. If you were trying to buy our Instructional DVD series these last couple of days and unable to get to the website, hang in there. We should have the site live again soon.

We are also tying up the loose ends on our Chicago Workshop and will probably release the early bird registration next week. So keep an eye out for that. I was going to release it this week, but I think we may have 99% of the details to share if I wait till next week. I’m so excited to spill the beans on what we’ve got happening and who our guest speakers are for the Add ON day!

I’ll try to post again on Thursday, but I’ve had the WORST time finding a good Internet connection. Wait…is that another clue by accident?

I’ve been a bit weepy the last few days.

Nothing major, just tears that well up, fall, then pass. I know within that it’s because this Mother’s Day is the 15 year anniversary of my close friend dying. I know from past years that I tend to get weepy the few days leading up to Mother’s Day. But knowing all this doesn’t make it easier. Isn’t it frustrating when our knowledge won’t override the expectations we put on ourselves?

Brian and I planned to celebrate Mother’s Day with the kids on Saturday b/c I was going to drive north on Sunday. I’m going to visit my friend’s grave site. Then my mom and grandma will join up with me to see a movie and have dinner. Saturday seemed to be a better day to do some fun stuff with the kids.

But without any intention to, shortly after waking up, some of my buttons were pushed and because the tears have been right there, right underneath the surface, they took us all by surprise when the flood came. Instead of getting ready to head out for the day with Brian and the kids, I was upstairs crying. I couldn’t pull it together. My past was alive and in my face. The present surrounding me felt like a fog–people and things out of reach.

As hard as I’ve worked at riding the waves of my grief with ease, they still seem to tidal wave my confidence every time.

What do you do when you so desperately want to be hugged or held but being touched is the one thing you cannot handle? What do you do when you feel like you’re letting your children down because they were so excited to do “this and that” for you, and you can’t pull it together enough to come downstairs? What do you do when the voices inside your head are taunting you, reminding you of how your pain seems to only hurt the ones you love…

Brian is waiting.

He is now in the bedroom with me, sitting on the bed. He is quiet.

I want to yell at him, blame him, tell him to leave me alone…but I know this battle isn’t with Brian. The battle is with myself.

He says, “your beautiful.”

How can he say that.

He says, “your pain, your losses, your grief…it makes you not only beautiful, but stunning.”

He says, “I know you want to be held, but I also know that being touched is to much in this moment. So I want you to know I’m okay waiting.”

I feel like I can’t breathe. The buttons that were pushed this morning were so minor to the pain that seems to be swallowing up our home. I race through all the questions, “Why can’t I be stronger than this? Why do I have to ruin Mother’s Day? What damage am I doing to my kids? Why am I such a mess? Why do I feel like damaged goods again…” The thoughts build like a cyclone inside my head.

And then–without warning–it breaks apart.

The crying transforms to wailing. Brian knows my walls have finally come down. He asks for permission to hold me. I say yes.

Pascaline stands on the other side of the door. I feel like I have failed her.

Brian invites her inside the room and says, “Pascaline, you know how you can get an owie and then it bruises? You know how it hurts when someone pushes on that bruise?” She nods. “Both mom and dad have had painful owies from when we were younger. And sometimes we push on each other’s owies without meaning too, and it makes us hurt all over again. When your older, we’ll tell you more about the things we’ve gone through, but for now, I want you to know that this is what’s going on with mom.”

I take Pascaline’s hand, hold it, give her a hug and tell her I love her. She seems to be okay and runs off to play with Blaze.

I tell Brian that I feel like I’ve ruined this Mother’s Day. He says, “Me Ra, you are the wonderful, passionate, extreme person you are because of the pain you’ve endured. You may not be put together for Pascaline today. But don’t miss the message you gave her. Despite how much you hurt, and how your hurt can separate you from the ones you love, you…you always choose to come back to us. This is the gift you give your family.”

I wanted so much more for our Mother’s Day this year. But this is what it was. The rest of our day was off. We were all exhausted from the morning. After being out for a couple hours, we came home and took long naps. We had pizza with friends and decided to save the Korean restaurant for another night.

The voices never stopped taunting me throughout the day, reminding me of how this was all my fault. You see, they are always with me. But if I could get through the day without responding to those voices, without making decisions based on those voices, then I will have won. Not a “glorious triumph” type of win. But that’s okay, a win is still a win.

To all the beautiful mothers who visit my blog, I hope you see how you’ve won time and time again. I hope you feel celebrated because of your many triumphs. Because whether physically or emotionally, you have not let your pain separate you from the ones you love. You work to not let your own voices dictate your decisions. And you are beautiful in all the things that make you strong and especially weak. You too are stunning.

Happy Mother’s Day.

We had the BIGGEST photography group ever last night! I’m thinking we had close to forty people. There were people standing behind all the people you see sitting, as well as coming off the stairwell, going out doorways–it was crazy great!

Our lawyer, Jennifer Wing, came and talked about the essentials for protecting your small business. Jennifer was fantastic! She is the mastermind behind all our great contracts and photo releases in our 101 Kits. After over an hour of her sharing, we had to cut it off to not exhaust her. The questions were great, and I could tell she was giving her all. But we didn’t want to scare her away from not coming back.

(not the best photo, but it’s still fun to have one right? :))

So I was thinking about how the only other time we’ve had this many people attend our monthly photography meeting was when we did our Martini Garden Party last summer. Who would have known that Martinis and Lawyers pack them in?! Scary to think about what would happen if we had Jennifer come back while serving Martinis at the same time…we’d probably break a fire code!

I have to apologize to those of you who came and asked about where I went after 10pm. I did something I NEVER do. I snuck upstairs and went to bed! Brian had suggested I retire early since I’ve been feeling a bit depleted, and I was mad when he said that because I love a party. But I ended up taking his advice. Blaze got in bed next to me, and we both listened to people talking and laughing downstairs. We couldn’t make out what anyone was saying, but I can’t tell you how wide my smile was. It was so wonderful to hear photographers having a great time together, laughing, sharing stories, talking about whatever–it was a the best background noise to fall asleep too. And I promise I will not retire as early at our next meeting. (but thanks for understanding–and thanks to all my secret elves for cleaning up! Wow! that was super great of you guys–whoever you are!)

Now on to much more serious and important things. Batman is turning 4 on May 5th! Yes, Blaze is a Cinco de Mayo baby. You would have rolled your eyes at my drama when I was in delivery. It was time to push, and I was crying out “No, we have to wait until May 6th, otherwise he’ll be a party boy for sure when he’s in college!!!). But at 10pm, I couldn’t wait to push any longer, and out came this HUGE 10.7lb baby boy!

As many of you know, he has gone through many identities in the last year. Right now he will only answer to Batman or The Dark Knight.

So to all the parents who have gone before me on this one, how can I make a great Batman birthday for him? Cake ideas? Decoration ideas? Out of the box ideas for gifts? Hook me up!

I did something so stupid the other day. At the time I thought it was a GRAND and perfect plan, but it turned out to be one of my more stupid moments.

When we come home from a trip, I always book our flight to be later in the day so Brian and I can have a good morning of sleeping in, thus be ready for the kids when we get home. Well, I decided to try something different! Something cool! Why not just book a super early flight instead? We’ll get home earlier, have more time with the kids, and if we’re tired we can just sleep on the plane. Sounds great in theory, huh!

Unless you’re up till 1:30am with these bad boys, being interviewed and filmed for a new episode on their website. Goodness knows what Brian and I even said in the interview after midnight. We said stuff about these and these and then talked about how we work and why we work the way we do, but we also laughed a lot and oh boy…I hope Kurt takes his hand to doing some serious editing, otherwise, let’s just say Scary with a capital S!

So our alarm goes off the next morning at 5:30am–are you feeling me now (that’s four hours of sleep–me not so nice when I have four hours of sleep!). I try to sit up and can barely move, I’m so exhausted. But somehow we make it to the airport, only to miss the flight by ten minutes. I completely LOOSE it with the lady at the ticket counter b/c our flight isn’t leaving for another 30 minutes. AND, AND there is no one in line for security. But she smiles and says “no exceptions, sorry!”

I start to cry, curse and then stomp off and cry some more. We end up in the airport fighting, crying, fighting, Brian calling Roger for another counseling session for us (:)) and then finally falling asleep on the airport floor until the next flight comes–which is only 5 1/2 hours later. Am I doing a good job of showing this “un-glamorous” moment in our traveling?

We make it home that night and oh, the kids hugging us, they never felt so good. The next morning I wake up and feel totally depleted of all energy. I try to go to the gym and end up going back home (but if you kept up with me before, I did make it to the gym while I was in San Diego–yeah!)

I wake up with this horrible soar throat and go see my acupuncturist. She says I don’t have a cold, just plain exhausted. This is when I realize I need to give back to myself to fill up for our next trip coming up. Place of refuge? My kitchen.

In another life, I dream of being a chef of some kind and taking photos of all the things I cook. So in my efforts to fill up a bit and soak in “being at home” I make my own recipe. I loved it so much I had to share it with you!

This is what I call “My Fix for Feeling Depleted”, Homemade Salad Dressing

First mince up some fresh garlic cloves. And don’t do it with a knife, use one of these quick and easy handy things. They are only $30! I love garlic, so I mince up around 10 cloves.

Blaze likes to go a little crazy pushing the buttons. Whoever pushes the buttons, just make sure it’s finely minced.

Then pick out a fun mason type jar and fill it half way up with Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

Then add Balsamic Vinegar to your jar of oil. I usually add one third of the amount of oil I poured.

Add 1 big Tablespoon of Italian Seasoning (like Basil and Oregano type flavors). After this add your minced garlic.

Here’s my secret ingredient part for your eyes only! I add 2 BIG Tablespoons of honey!

This is my little honey jar. Isn’t that sweet? Blaze picked it out for me last Christmas.

Then I find a cute little lid for my jar and shake that puppy up.

It is so yummy! Give it a try and feel free to adjust the amount of ingredients in any way your palette prefers. I mix this dressing into my salad and add chopped walnuts, feta cheese, dried blueberries, red onion and fresh avocado. By the time I eat this, I’m feeling so much better and not so empty.

Now for the recipe to the images…

Every shot was taken with the Sony A300. This is the DSLR that the Mommy Bloggers received. I decided to play with mine because it has this great Live View feature on the back that I thought I would hate and actually love.

I used the 85 mm lens for every shot. For the shots I took on my cutting board of the Garlic Chopper Upper and the Olive Oil, my ISO was at 800 because my natural light isn’t ideal in that part of the kitchen. The aperture was at a 2.8 and the Shutter Speed was 1/250 of a second.

For the shots on my kitchen windowsill (i.e. the Tablespoon of seasoning, my honey holder, etc) my ISO was down at 100 for best color saturation. Since I have lots of good light I can have my ISO that low. My aperture was WIDE open at a 1.7 (f stop) to give the Tablespoon and the lid on the jar a fantastic blur effect. Remember the lower your aperture (or F stop) the better your blur. And the shutter speed for the windowsill shots were all at 1/80th of a second.

So your turn! What do you do when you are feeling depleted and need to rest up? I was given strict advice not to exercise this week and just rest. My acupuncturist advised me to take some naps, and I tried picturing that with two kids. The last time I did this Pascaline cut her hair and gave every other doll a hair cut…hmmmm…

But for the record, I thought we had the worst time getting home and after ready this story, I think Amy totally wins! You go girl!

It’s spring, and I’m frustrated.

But before I go any further, this is a little personal rant of mine and has nothing to do with photography. Feel free to skip this post. I think I’m looking for camaraderie in this battle I’m in and just wondering if anyone else is interested in doing this with me.

Okay, I’ve been trying this new workout regiment for the last six months. It’s focused on weight training at a cardio level. In six months, I haven’t dropped any thing! I’ve actually gone up in weight. My friends are sweet and say, “You’ve totally gained muscle weight!” So I told myself, WOAH, I must be gaining some serious weight in lean muscle mass. Better go do a body comp and find out HOW MUCH muscle I’ve gained.

Good news, I’ve gained 2.5 lbs of lean muscle.

But, BUT, FREAKING BUT, I’ve gained 8.5 lbs of fat!!! Can you hear because I’m crying and pulling my HAIR OUT!

I look at these results and feel so frustrated. Little background on me. I was in a horrible water ski accident when I was in high school. Before this I played and trained with a tennis coach for sometimes 4 hours a day. After the accident my back wouldn’t last more than 45 minutes on the tennis court. Went to college and quit working out. But after graduate school, I decided to get serious again and get the weight off that I had been gaining over the last nine years.

Went to Weight Watchers for a year. Lost 25 lbs. But then I seemed to plateau. I couldn’t get down in my weight any more. I had about 12 lbs to go to hit my Lifetime Goal and nothing was working.

Around this time we started shooting weddings, and after a 12 hour day, I was EXHAUSTED physically. So I started getting into the pool to swim laps and build up my back muscles. Eventually, I started working out with the triathlon group to build endurance. And in all this, I’m hoping I’ll lose weight and body fat as a biproduct. But NOTHING…N-O-T-H-I-N-G!

So I look back to my diet. I go to an endocrinologist to see if I have a thyroid problem–checks out okay. I get my food allergies tested. That was fun. I find out I’m allergic to wheat, eggs, dairy, and caffeine. So what can I eat?

My diet changes radically and I start eating a lot more protein to sustain my workouts with lots of veggies. I’m a total juicer and love it. But still, I’m only gaining, not losing.

This has gone on for three years. Six months ago, I try this new workout and six months later I’m here on the blog dumping out all my frustration with all of you.

My chiropractor is a body builder and trainer so he comes to the gym the other morning and watches my weight training routine. When I get to the cardio he says I’m not doing a high enough intensity. I’m looking at him, hard of breath, and thinking “what are you talking about!” He says get up to 190-200 on the elliptical in Strides Per Minute AND work up to staying there for 45 minutes. I’m dying after 12 minutes at that pace.

Then I sit down with my cycling instructor this morning after class and he says, “Look Me Ra, you’re not suffering in class. I know you’re working hard and breaking a sweat, but you’re not suffering. Your intensity has to double.”

Being that he’s shorter than me, I wanted to punch him. I’m thinking, ‘Do you know how exhausted I am after class!” (whatever Diego!…you *%&!# is what I’m thinking)

But it appears this plateau I’ve been at for the last few years is mental and for some reason I’ve convinced myself I’m working out hard but it’s not suffering.

Okay, are you still with me or sick of all this?

So, I’m not pessimistic about much in life. But when it comes to my desired fitness level and the last three years of hard work, I’m feeling like no hope is out there.

There is this slim thread that my cycling coach and chiro. are challenging me with. They both want me to double my exertion for the next month. Not workout longer but harder. Suffer. Burn twice the calories. I’m feeling like this isn’t possible, they’re saying I’m wrong.

At the same time, I’m going to start writing down what I eat and keeping track again. I think the traveling is killing me. That’s a big part of the 8.5 lbs of fat gained. Ugh. But reality is that our life involves consistent travel, and I have to figure this one out.

So, does anyone want to do this with me? I’m not sure what all of this looks like, but I’d love to do a second post every couple days where we share our eating or workout goals that we are meeting every couple days. We share long term and short term goals by posting them as comments, and we totally encourage each other to get fit before summer. Whether you want to fit in your bathing suit and feel good by this summer or you are training for a triathlon, the end feels overwhelming for all of us. I’m thinking that no matter what level we are at and no matter how much our goals differ we could still draw encouragement and camaraderie from each other. What do you think? Am I totally in left field and needing more sleep?

If this is at all interesting to any of you, post a comment and let me know. If there is a big response, I’ll post up the first things “to do” so we can start working toward our goals sooner than later!

There are five things we need to do that will help us find success (if success is to be found! :)). Let me know if you’re interested in what those five things are.

Since Brian’s left for the day to go play racquetball…hee, hee, hee!… I thought I’d share a photo I found from WPPI. This is Brian doing his “Vegas” dance one morning. Our room was in front of the fountain at the Bellagio. Can you hear Brian, “You guys think the fountain is cool–look at me dance!”

Am I dead or what?

(that’s what he gets for being in the dog house last night!)

This last week was a blur of joyful times and sorrowful.

Brian and I arrived in Vegas Saturday evening for WPPI. We were relieved when all EIGHT of our product boxes had arrived successfully (being shipped from three different places in the country–:)). Just as we were getting dressed to head to our first dinner, my parents called.

Jennifer had passed away earlier in the day.

All I could think was ‘I don’t understand.’

Jennifer’s bone marrow transplant had successfully taken weeks prior. She was at my parent’s house only days before. And then she started slipping, she was fighting so hard, and then her heart stopped.

Brian and I canceled our dinner plans, and I spent the rest of the night in prayer and tears. I have to thank all of you for praying for me and Brian and our commitments at WPPI because the next day, we had to start our speaking sessions. There is no way this could have happened and gone as well as it did without people praying.

Today is Jennifer’s Gravesite Service at 2pm. The family has invited everyone who knew Jennifer. For details, look to Jennifer’s website. Tomorrow is a Celebration Service at Jennifer’s church–friends are welcome to this as well. They request that everyone wear bright colors because this is what Jennifer would have wanted.

In the meantime, please hold her family in your thoughts and prayers. Below is a picture of Jennifer (she has the pink scarf), her older sister Judy is in the middle, and Jennifer’s twin sister Francis. I can’t fathom what the family is going through.

If you’d like to send a card to the family, below is an address.

To those of you we met in Vegas this week, thanks for visiting the blog. We met the most wonderful and kind photographers. What an honor to be part of such an incredible industry.

On Monday, the blog will be back with much to share but for now, thanks for all your love.

Me Ra

Cards for the family
Please send all cards and letters for the family to this address:
Judy Cuellar
PO Box 44786
Tacoma, WA 98448

Remember our dear friend Jennifer?

This is an update and request for urgent prayer.

Jennifer had a bone marrow transplant the first week of February, and the transplant took.

On March 10th she started having severe abdominal pains and ended up in ICU. On Monday she had to have her heart drained of fluid. Yesterday her lungs and kidneys started to have problems, she is now on a respiratory machine. She is fighting to live.

We just got a text message from her sister that the doctors called a family meeting today at 3:30pm. I cannot imagine what her family is going through right now.

Please pray for a miracle in Jennifer’s healing. Please pray the family would feel God’s comfort surround them.

I love the verse my mom just emailed to everyone in regards to Jennifer;

He who created you, who formed you, Fear not, for I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you… Isaiah 43

Jennifer is unconscious right now, and I wonder where her thoughts are. Does she feel like she’s passing through waters, does she feel God holding her hand? I pray that as all of us hold her up today, Jennifer is feeling herself wrapped tightly in His arms.

Thank you for thinking of her today. If you’d like to email a personal message to Jennifer and her family, you can email Kate_Stinson@hotmail.com. Kate will make sure they get the messages.

If you’d like to see their family blog and read more of what’s happening, you can visit Jennifer’s blog.

10. When your husband excuses himself to go use the restroom and doesn’t come back for twenty minutes, you don’t sweat it. You relax and order another drink.

9. A kayak trip invites great arguments, but instead of spending the rest of the night crying from how rude his critique of your kayak stroke was, you just splash the heck out of him and it’s over.

8. The French women who are topless on the beach don’t seem to make you as angry. AND, he’s wised up a bit and looks the other way….(”what topless women?…”)

7. You’re more apt to try something new together because the “newness” of a honeymoon isn’t overwhelming you. (We learned to scuba dive and rock climb on this trip, and wow, what an amazing thing to try together!)

6. You’re not in a rush to come home. For one, there are no wedding presents begging to be opened when you get home, only kids begging to be entertained.

5. At the airport you ask someone how to get to the subway. They explain with clear instruction. Then he goes searching for a map b/c he needs to “figure it out for himself”, and instead of starting an argument you just smile and let him find a map (while you head to the subway).

4. When she (this would be me) says, “I feel like we should eat dinner alone tonight b/c we haven’t connected and talked much.” He (which is Brian) decides against saying “We’ve been talking and connecting for the last FIVE days!” Instead he says, “sure, that makes sense.” And turns to roll his eyes so I can’t see (because he knows that will start me crying for sure!)

(now we’re getting into the top three…my favorites!)

3. Every time you turn around, head to dinner, head to the beach, sit and read, go rock climbing, he tells you how beautiful you are. And because you’ve had deep healing in your heart, your spirit smiles and says “i receive”.

2. Fights with each other are still as colorful as ever, but making up has never been so good. The honeymoon can’t even touch the anniversary make-up sessions.

1. The number one thing…the countless people who asked us if this was our honeymoon.

I know there are many of you who read this blog and have your own reasons of why anniversary trips have been better than your honeymoon. If you care to share, we’d love it! You can post it below in the comments!

Many photos to come and lots of catching up to do with all of you!

We’ve also got some fun announcements to make this week, like the photo contest winners!

Thanks for journeying with us to the end of the world!

We’ve are LOVING Thailand! I can’t wait to share more when we are home and have better Internet access!

For now, here is Part 2 of my interview with Ron Dawson.

In this interview, I talk about being self employed parents, balancing parenthood with work, and a little on our popular instructional DVD series for parents, Refuse to Say Cheese and Beyond the Green Box!

To hear Part 2, follow this link to Ron’s website!

Hope you enjoy!